At the beginning of the semester, I saw in my mind a picture of a black wall. I was standing close to the wall, my nose almost touching, and I could see nothing but black in front of me and beside me. And then, somehow I knew I was seeing not simply a black wall, but a mural. A giant mural, full of colors, depicting an untamed, dark ocean and a lighthouse throwing her beam of hope into the maelstrom. In the picture, though, I could not see the mural because of my proximity to the wall. All I could see was black, bleak and black and devoid of light. And then, I heard God speak to me, saying, “I am the Painter. You do not fully see what I am doing, you cannot fully see. But know that I am in control, and I am creating beautiful things, and though you can only see black, the black is necessary for the light to shine. Trust me, I am the Painter.”
More recently, I saw in my mind another picture. This time, of a father carrying his little daughter to a destination unknown to her. She kept saying, “Daddy, I want to know where we are going. Tell me where we are going.” And he would laugh and respond, “My dear, you do not need to know. You are with me, and I know where we are going. You are safe.”
And then, on Easter Sunday, I was sitting in my pew singing “Christ is Risen” by Matt Maher, and for the first time I heard a lyric in my heart that I have never really processed before. It came and went quickly, never repeated, but I kept hearing it over and over again in my head: He bows to none but Heaven’s will.
He bows to none but Heaven’s will? He bows to none but Heaven’s will.
Honestly, this year did not turn out the way I expected, nor the way I prayed for it to turn out. There were so many moments when I felt angry with God, and ungrateful, and stressed, and anxious, and confused, and enslaved to doubt and fear and all sorts of lies. But in that pew on Easter Sunday, I realized something. Thank God! Thank God Jesus bows to none but Heaven’s good, pleasing, perfect will. Thank God He does not follow me and my will, nor does He answer my prayers the way I want Him to. And my life is so, so much better because of it. Thank God. I do not want Him to follow me. I want to thank Him everyday for allowing me to follow Him.
Finally, three days ago, I went to dinner and God changed my life (like He does).
I shared a meal with two Sisters—my best friend in China, a thirty-year-old who is beautifully and unequivocally free in Christ, and a fifty-year-old who is, perhaps, the most Holy Spirit-filled person I have ever met. Me, Corrie, and Judi, sitting at a little table eating Greek food and talking about Jesus. And, throughout the course of the meal and our subsequent prayer time, I saw clearly the culmination of all of these things, the message of this entire year:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well.
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for Me will save it.
I walked out of that dinner not afraid of growing up. The more I live, the more I see that the desires of youth lead to brokenness. My generation can be so scattered, caring so much about what others think of us, partying every night, restless, uncertain, wiling away on social media networks, full of energy and potential and too much indecision over too many options. But these two women, and so many Jesus-leaning adults I’ve spent time with, have some tangible Peace my generation knows nothing about. And that Peace is warmer and more beautiful than so many desires my generation pursues.
And I? I am so so young. So little, with so little wisdom, so little maturity, so little ability to handle big things, so little ability to believe in Peace and dwell in it. But God? God is bigger than my weaknesses and my inabilities and my littleness. He is the Painter. He knows where we are going, and He is 100 percent trustworthy, and I am safe.
I have been in China for almost eight months, and God has been speaking John 14:27 to me this entire time. It only took a few visions, some Greek food, and a church hymn for me to finally pay attention.
Gah! God is so cool.
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