Rocks III

I’ve been picking up rocks of God recently. Turning them over in my mind, cracking them open to see the colors inside, examining them and setting them back down. I keep walking and picking up rocks, rough, cold, smooth, soft to my fingers. And then I set them back down and continue along. And after I set one down, I know there will always be another one to pick up. I will always have something to listen to, to learn from, to ponder, to toss back and forth between my hands, to fill my pockets. I will never be able to pick up all the rocks of God.

The Third Rock:

I had a dream recently about two groups of people. The group on the left consisted of nonChristians I know, and the group on the right consisted of Christians I know. In the dream I was placed in the middle of them and had the opportunity to listen to both conversations happening simultaneously. On the right, the Christians were discussing Jesus with the usual Christian vernacular that pervades Christian speech. Words like “sin” and “forgiveness” and “the Cross” and “blessings” and “Satan” and “salvation” and “resurrection." All said with love, all said in gentleness, all said with certainty and a sense of finality, from the mouths of people I love and associate myself with.

On the other side, the nonChristians were not talking, but were rather listening. Although I could not hear their words, I felt their emotions as they listened. The emotions were collective, and (if I am to interpret this dream) represent the many conversations I’ve had with the people in this Jia who have felt jaded, embittered, judged, and threatened by the Christian vernacular, however loving, happening on the other side. It was as if, for one of the first times in my life, I could step back from the Christian group and empathize and understand how it feels to be on the outside looking in.

Somehow related to this dream, something I’ve been pondering, is fat. My mom is an anesthesiologist, and she says that fat can cause quite a bit of difficulty for doctors in surgery. Overweight and obese patients have much riskier surgeries because of the interference of fat in the procedure. Well, God has been revealing myself to me through various mirrors, and one of the things I’ve sort of received from Him is a picture of fat. A picture of Him performing surgery on my heart, and encountering a big chunk of bloody fat right smack in the middle of the procedure. I know this fat to be arrogance. An arrogance that is both pride and stubbornness, an arrogance that creates an “us” and “them” mentality within me as I group myself with people I like and relate to and group myself away from people I disagree with or find disagreeable. I am arrogant, and this fat is getting in the way of God healing my heart. I think I am arrogant in one sense because of the belief that Christians should have answers. I have scraped through conversations with nonChristians simply because I tried to give them answers, regardless of whether I knew the answers or not. I have made myself seem better, my life seem better, or less pain-filled, or less confusing, simply on the foundation of knowing “the answers.” I have been arrogant with answers.

So let me clear something up here. I follow Jesus. I follow Jesus and my life is confusing, and broken at times, and I often find myself at a loss for answers, and sometimes I get afraid, and I get angry at injustice and pain and I question God Himself and most of the time I just don’t get it. But I will still follow Jesus. That much I know.

And I’m also starting to understand something else about questions and answers. By its very definition, faith seems to be more of a question than an answer. Which perfectly fits into Jesus' whole inside-out, upside-down Kingdom idea. We want to know the right answers. He wants us to know the right questions. Maybe instead of searching for nicely worded Christian answers, we should be searching for questions like, “what does it look like to love the person next to me?”

Because it seems that Jesus was less of an “us” and “them” type person and more of a “we” type person. Actually, He typically could be seen hanging out with the “them’s” more than the “us’s,” an action that humbled those in higher positions and exalted those in lower positions, effectively leveling the planes and creating “we.”

And so I can only hope that, through proper diet and exercise, my fat will burn and God will have a direct path to perform whatever surgery on my heart. Maybe the surgery involves instilling a sort of humility in me, a sort of empathy for the hearts of all people. Christian or nonChristian, “us” or “them,” “me” or “you.”

And just maybe, you and I can create “we” as we search together for the right questions.